Holding!

My monkey mind was holding onto fear and doubt alot this past week.

I have been home for almost three weeks now and got 5 days of work immediately which was good and occupied my time and got me excited to get more work ( I usually do event/promotional work which means i have to keep finding it ) but then I havent found anything more even though i have been applying for so many gigs and random jobs through a website here that makes that possible.

So It has been ten days now with no work, and in those days I had alot of down time where i found myself stuck in my head: fear of the future, fear of the ways of the Matrix and how everyone I know has had a head start and are comfortable with jobs and money while I was out wandering around like a little kid, doubting my abilties in such a fast paced high tech city and ways that I am not accustomed to, wanting to move back to the mountains, wanting to escape to comfort bla bla bla...

I could see my holding was so intense and it made me lazy at home, having to force myself to do what my parents needed doing. My sister and I did a cleanse with 5 days of no eating which made me make an excuse for being more sluggish.

I still knew the point, the clear water, but the murky particles were all gathering and moving around in the glass so much that i didnt have time to just appreciate the clear water.

One thing happened which really helped me though, and that was when my mom was being really emotional over an inheritance battle she is involved in with her brother, and she said how much she loves hearing mine and kat's voices and having us at home...that sorta made me kick myself real quick an think, "you idiot, you are here for them, that IS the point!" so the last two days have been much easier to just be in the moment and keep my siin (balanced mind) flowing, doing things for my parents and just switching the focus to NOT me.

The question I have from observing my weeks at home so far is this:

Does holding on too tightly to good feelings (when i found work immediately and just that general fresh start motivation I seem to get everytime I begin a new phase) give us more of a challenge when the good feeling is gone? Like the escalator example; If we start running as fast as we can up the down escalator, will we eventually have to stop to catch our breath and end up being brought past where we started running at? Does holding too strong to good or bad feelings switch the focus to ourself and make it more difficult to think of others?