"i know that i dont have to trouble myself with all this phantasmal multiplicity---but i do for the hell of it."
Kerouac in 'Some of the Dharma'
My worst fear at the moment is always being just a little bit bad while trying to be all good, because being bad is entertaining to the senses in precisely a 'just for the hell of it' way.
Temptation of the senses gushing phantasmal multiplicty.
All I really know is that I dont't KNOW, but just for the hell of it I will tell you what I THINK I know
I was quiTe shellshocked for the first few months being home, so many unanswered questions for the future burning my mind constantly, always finding a way to explain my situation to others (not really knowing my situation in the first place). I had built a large comfort zone in the world of travel and pleasure seeking and now I was in a place far from that comfort zone...
so "if you cant get out of it, get into it" (i heard that the other day).
What has helped me is being patient and being present. I am a daydreamer and have a million dreams per day but have slowly worked on my mind to stamp them out before they become an unnecessary wild fire. Sending wishes to those in my life, primarily family, and setting the intention for a bright future is much more simple then getting lost in my mindmess. With my parents I just keep practicing patience, and thinkin before talking/reacting. Paying attention to them and thinking about them more (like just a phone call during the day) is what I am working on now. When we just relax and accept our situation there is really a whole lot to be grateful for and that is what keeps me going and not paying attention to silly desires to travel and pleasure seek, as there is plenty more value I am finding in local interaction and building relationships. So now 5 months at home and I have. Noticed many improvements in home life, work life, and social life. Just go with the flow and not be worried about having your ideal imagined future, but just knowing, really in the heart knowing, that abundance lies within, and will surely radiate out to the life you build around you...this is a fact of science, the laws of nature! As for the people around me, i have for long time been very instantly judging of people, comparing them to my ideal view of the world. And then, i dont know when, i decided to accept the Reality that Is, and focus my actions in Creating the Compassionate Reality I want to see. It is a slow and shifty process. I look at alot of people everyday. Sometimes just a glance, and sometimes a stare. This almost always occupied by a string of thoughts. An example: I pass by a McDonalds and see a father and his kid eating: I used to think: "how cAn he feed his child such shit food?, what is wrong with these people? Poor kid will probably grow up fat and have health problems. Mcdonalds, fucking evil bastards taking peoples money and feeding them shit!" All this from one glance. Poor me. Then when i started to observe these thoughts and question them and understand this is the egos clever trickery of convincing us that we are the knowitall centers of the universe. Now the same glance: There might still be the hint of "i know that food is not nutritious" however the thought is redirected towards the positive, because perhaps my negative thought can in some quantum way make their experience more negative. "i see what i see, it is there, i am just seeing. Good for the father to spend time with his son, i hope they are having fun enjoying their food. I hope the father provides the best he can for his child, cute kid. It all depends how you (the objective observer) see it (the external environment), and in what way it gets processed by your subjective ego-eye. One last thing, about peoples faces looking. If they look grumpy angry or sad, first of all, am I superhuman that I can know this about a person i have just seen?
I have long convinced myself I know what people are thinking.
Even if you ask them, you still dont know if they are telling you the truth. So I use the weakness of my wild imagination, as a strength and imagine them in a moment of laughter and happiness, because surely they have laughed or smiled at some point in their life. Then this may in some quantum way get them feeling a little lighter if they actually are grumpy angry or sad. So, because I have gotten into this I have alleviated the thoughts of wanting to get out...when i was On the Road I always had this itchy anxiety of what was next, how to plan my escape from anywhere and get out, and then there would follow a small, fleeting buzzy high upon my exit and the pattern would repeat. this kept me in the daydream and out of the present (gift) quite often. The wonder-full present has now shown me its gift and I understand its pricelessness a bit better, and i gladly accept it.
We must accept it, and get into it. Keep sending wishes, and being mindful. Especially those who have just returned home. The shellshock will wear off, and you will become truly useful to All.
The train of Awareness does not leave the station. It is waiting for You. No need to rush, but the sooner you get on it, the sooner you can Love where it takes you, because it goes Everywhere! Once On, you stay On
DIY has evolved into GIY: Google It Yourself, or, 'If you don't know, ask' has evolved to 'If you don't know, just google it'...I wonder if Darwin could have seen this one coming, i think its pretty cool